Title: Keep A Secret
Characters: YongGook, JunHong
Summary: (AU) Yong Gook is the twenty year old who can't find any reason for anything in anything anymore. JunHong is the sixteen year old kid whose shadows darkening his life are a bit different but just as destructive.
With no hope for the future and no yearning for the past, where go to next then? If you still have some fight left in you, why not just take the paths less traveled? A little give and take won’t make the shadows any darker, nor bring any light.
Author’s Note/Warning: I won’t even make any excuses for this fic. It's perhaps too personal and not Kpop enough, I don't know.
Take it as it is and beware of intentional self destructive behavior. If you can’t find beauty or comfort in your own actions or yourself when you are at your worst, it’s best you don’t read this.
They delay themselves.
Purposely, they forget meetings and classes. Purposely, YongGook drinks less and smokes more. Purposely, JunHong eats enough not to collapse and sleeps more at home so he will sleep less when he is with YongGook.
He wants to believe, he really wants to believe they purposely delay their tragic ending just so they will spend more time with each other. JunHong knows that is what he is doing.
He knows that he will keep on withering away and eventually disappear faster than his peers but he might stay on this earth for a few moments longer, if it means YongGook will be there too, smoking, drinking, infecting his body violently, charring himself from the inside out.
Sometimes, when JunHong rests his head on YongGook's chest, he imagines pulling apart his ribcage and reaching out for the infected lungs. He imagines them to be black and charred, burning hot on the inside, like lava. He imagines touching them and burning his hands on them, he imagines the thick ash crust giving up under his clench until his hands are covered in the unbearably hot liquid inside. He doesn't know what happens afterwards but he thinks about it often, while he listens to YongGook's heartbeats. Sometimes they are weak, other times they are very slow. His heart condition is not serious but his body is slower on the inside than most people's.
As he lays naked in bed next to the other man, JunHong thinks how funny that is, that a man that seems so lively and always in a hurry, has a heart that delays everything else in his body. No wonder his hangovers last until late in the day.
He wants to tell YongGook that but it sounds childish. JunHong wants to tell him a lot of things, how ashamed he feels taking off his clothes in front of him, because he is more bone than flesh and how he shudders whenever YongGook kisses every part of him. How he pushes his fists into his eyes so he won't cry when he finds himself having to confront his family or friends who pressure him to eat because he seems to have lost weight lately; how he wishes YongGook was there to take all that food away from him so he won't have to look at it and make everyone else forget all about him eating or not.
'You understand me' he wants to tell him, but he can't. Other things come out, like 'I didn't think you could get any lower but by all means...' or 'how about we don't talk unless you have something nicer to say?'
So he doesn't say much, YongGook does most of the talking and JunHong is always listening. But he can't really talk to him and say everything he wants to, the words choke him up and he coughs them out in completely different sentences. He doesn't tell him much, but he tries to show him.
JunHong pushes down on his chest, letting him know he should stay inside and JunHong keeps the other man inside for as long as he can, until he can't feel him throb anymore. He doesn't really understand why he finds it so important but it gives him comfort. YongGook doesn't argue, he traces his fingers across JunHong's skin until he decides to move and let him pull out.
There is never any rush and JunHong is happy with that because the pace they are setting for themselves is unlike the rest of the world's - they are not moving against it though, oh no they aren't. They move somewhere in between, in between YongGook's perfectly delivered work duties and JunHong's daily smiles and polite conversations, that's where they reside. In the space in between the border of people, society and morals. In between vice, illness, life and death, something like that, in that grey area.
JunHong doesn't consider they live persay, they just are.
He woke up from a bad dream but he couldn't remember the details. All Junhong knew was that he was slightly panting, wrapped around YongGook in the man's messy apartment. A second later he realized it was YongGook himself who had been shaking him awake.
"You were making strange noises and didn't seem very happy."
"I guess I wasn't." JunHong replied, running a hand through his hair and falling with his head back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. Ghost-like, the headlights of the passing cars crossed it.
"What was it about?"
"I don't remember. Something dark, but I can't remember any details. It was probably something stupid." he said, trying to shake off the unpleasant feeling the nightmare had washed over him.
"Last time I dreamt of something dark, someone told me I dreamt my death."
"That sounds a little stupid."
"That sounds like a lot of stupid." YongGook concluded. JunHong let out a little laugh "But it stayed with me for a while."
"What do you mean?" JunHong asked, turning around facing YongGook and putting his arm under the pillow.
"I don't know." the man shrugged "I just wondered what would happen to me after I'd die. Seriously wonder, not just one of those questions that cross your mind and you forget all about later on."
"I can't help you with that. But as far as your body goes.. I'd cook it and eat it." JunHong said. YongGook started to laugh and turned around, facing JunHong as well. He lingered on the boy's features, the shadows falling heavy across every bone protruding through the boy's skin. He wanted to touch him just because.
YongGook stretched his hand a little and caressed JunHong's cheek, feeling more of the bone through the skin than he expected.
"You never eat." he said. His voice was warm, it was the kind of tone JunHong liked best on YongGook.
JunHong smiled. The million things he couldn't tell him.
"I would at least eat your heart."
YongGook smiled again, the kind of lazy smile people have who are already too lost in you to say anything else. For that reason alone, JunHong felt like it was alright to linger on this earth, at least for a while longer. He wanted to give a name to what they had, but he couldn't, because any word he thought of lacked the core of what they shared.
But whatever it was, it was keeping them alive.
Not for the sake of a greater purpose, not for the sake of hope. For nothing much, really, just for each other.